“Sex before marriage is just wrong”
“Your first time must be special”
“Did you know she lost her virginity to her ex and they aren’t together anymore”
Whether we accept it or not, most of our hushed, near the watercooler conversations in college and hostel dorms did sound like this.
While today you may choose to stay ‘Woke’, by saying you are totally cool with people losing virginity before marriage, you might still feel morally superior when you refrained from it( Well, as long as you did).
We are brought up in a world where words like “deflowering” or “popping her cherry” or “breaking your hymen” are casually thrown around, and “losing” your virginity is a big fucking deal. We, as a society, have set virginity as a moral compass to one’s character. Especially when it comes to women. Virginity or in other words, women’s ‘purity’ has been a social currency within patriarchal societies via marriage for centuries. The unrealistic pressures, ridiculous myths and expectations surrounding the conventional idea of ‘virginity’ are very much the product of norms and ideas created by us humans.
In fact, scientifically speaking, ‘virginity’ in itself doesn’t even exist.
Let’s debunk some very-believable but absolutely false myths around the ‘deflowering’ nonsense:
Virginity is an idea, not a medical/ scientific term. In fact, the term has nothing to do with a status check of your hymen, which can rupture or tear down due to multiple reasons which have nothing to do with sex. Having an intact hymen and being a virgin are not the same thing. Some people are born with hymens that are naturally open. And many other activities besides sex can stretch your hymen. So there is no way you can tell if someone has had sex by the way their hymen looks or feels.
Traditionally, virginity is often associated with the idea of your first sexual intercourse. Penetrative sex. Penis-in-vagina sex. Which is not the only way to have sex. Does that mean oral sex is not sex? What about lesbian couples or people who cannot (or don’t) have penetrative sex due to a myriad of reasons. Sex means very different things to different people and encompasses a glorious variety of human needs and wants. The most important thing is doing what feels right for you.
This one is a hit one among Indian medical fraternity. Gynac subtly asking if you are married, to subtlety enquire about your sexual history – Virgin or not a virgin? Why isn’t the question ‘Are you sexually active?’ This notion has quietly trickled down our systems stifling the freedom to have sex whenever you want. Even some well-qualified doctors often imply ‘Unmarried’ as a way of assuming will probably have sex after your marriage. Doctors no matter how professional cannot detect/ analyse whether you are a virgin or not based on your hymen. The hymen is a thin tissue that slightly covers the Vaginal opening. There isn’t a one size fits all concept here. It looks different in different women and it’s almost impossible to determine with precision if it has been ruptured due to intercourse. And well, why should it be ‘tested’ in the first place? The United Nations discourages Virginity Test practices across the world, associating the ‘testing’ as a traumatic experience. In a landmark judgment, a court in Bangladesh replaced the word ‘Virgin’ to ‘Unmarried’. Well, Thank God, about time!
I mean if a medical practitioner can’t tell you are a virgin, someone who looks at different shapes & sizes of vagina all day, then how can your partner tell? The more pertinent question also remains is ‘ Why does it matter?’
Let’s be better and not judge partners who aren’t virgins, let’s not accept questions around ‘your virginity’ as a marker of your ‘love’ or ‘faith’. Talking about your virginity to your partner must entirely be your choice and not a predisposition for your relationship. Be aware of how your partner reacts when you speak about virginity. Sometimes, we react the way we do because we aren’t well informed, which is fine. If people are flexible to learn a new perspective, everything’s good. But if you shared your virginity story and they went ballistic, that right there is a red flag. Anyone exploring the concept of virginity must know – there is nothing to be nervous about love. Let’s replace nervousness with excitement, shall we?
Just like all human experiences, one single experience can be translated into a million ways based on the one who experiences it. Young women are mortified mostly because of the stories they hear, around like “It hurts too much’, “There is a lot of bleeding” etc.
These myths and experiences scare so many people away from their first intercourse experience. It also adds so much undue pressure because your first time must be special. Our mental dialogues sound like ‘ This is it, you aren’t a virgin anymore’, ‘Are you sure about him, what if he leaves you after the sex”; again a byproduct of societal conditioning rather than our innate beliefs.
Do you know that when you get all nervous and uptight because of the anxiety around this new experience, you get tense. Your muscles get tense, which only makes it worse. Your focus shifts from the fun and pleasure of the moment to the hype around virginity which isn’t even a real thing btw!
First time can be awkward, but it is about learning and pleasure of course. Consent must be the foundation of it all. If you feel peer pressured into it, don’t do it. You won’t enjoy it; lack of lubrication makes matters worse and most importantly it’s not right.
Generally, there might be slight pain and vaginal bleeding in some cases, sure! But a lot of foreplay, good communication, and lubes can turn it into a memorable experience.
When we talk about virginity, the scale often swings between two extremes.
- This is sacred, you shouldn’t be deflowered before marriage
- Sex means nothing, it’s just all pleasure, I don’t care.
However, in reality, sex can be meaningful or just a night of fun and pleasure: it is what you want to make of it. Both of the above statements hold true, if that’s what you chose because of your own decisions, and not a societal condition.
In conclusion, do it when ‘You’ want to do it, it could be when you are 19, 27, 37 or even 47-year-old, as long as you feel comfortable. As long as you are well-informed about all things sex education, you are good to go.
You decide when that journey begins, how you explore it, with whom you explore it, with how many, how much or how little you explore it. Nobody decides that for you, nobody takes it away from you, nobody classifies or defines it for you. Because guess what, it is YOUR FREAKING SEX LIFE!
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